Awwww, Teabag sent me a Valentine’s Card. 🙂
Awwww, Teabag sent me a Valentine’s Card. 🙂
That was awful, I hate you Dasha. You tricked me!
Today, I want to say something about Children in Need. As the great philanthropist that I am, I occasionally pick a cause and it is about time I said something about Little Peoples. There are lots out there that are deprived, and as far as I can make out, don’t even have kittens to look after them! What are you Big Peoples thinking? This situation cannot continue. If I could I would go out and create some kittens myself to rectify this awful situation but sadly I cannot, so I offered to give all my treats for a whole week. Which made Dasha laugh a lot, which I feel was rather unkind. She said that she didn’t think children would really enjoy eating cat treats and that if I really wanted to help then I should raise some money by getting into a bath of beans. Which makes absolutely no sense. How does that raise money, or help anyone? You Big Peoples really are so illogical, no wonder your Little Peoples are all shambollical! But Dasha said she would donate £20 if I got in a bath of beans and that other Peoples might too, she said it was traditional. I guess I don’t understand Peoples and I don’t understand money or your weird traditions… so for no reason, I’m going to get covered in beans. Maybe you will donate to the Little Peoples so they can get the things they need, like roofs and coats and nurses and everything they need to be great and happy Peoples… and especially so they can get kittens.
For some reason Peoples do all their sleeping at once, I think so they can do more work, which is their favourite thing. Cats know this is foolish. Because they’re not supposed to and it makes them mess up all the work they’re trying to do.
Peoples should sleep at least twice a day, of course cats can do more, but we’re experts. People’s are just beginners so they can only do two sleeps. After studying Dasha, who does try to be an excellent People, but fails most of the time, I discovered that Peoples have four different types of sleep. which isn’t anywhere near the amount that we cats have, but if it’s all you can manage, then it’ll just have to do.
As a cat, it’s my duty to make sure that my owner eats healthy. Which Dasha does and doesn’t. A lot of the time she eats healthy but also a lot of the time she eats some stuff called junk. As far as I know junk is the same as garbage so I don’t really understand why she eats garbage but she says it tastes good. Which is what I said about tuna, but she’s being weird about my tuna and so now I’m going to be weird about her garbage. So I’m getting in the way, putting her off and knocking it on the floor whenever I can.
One of the worst things she eats is a pot with what looks like worms in it, so every time she goes shopping I attack the bags and claw them to pieces. She also eats far too much cake and sometimes she gets fat. So I try to walk over her cakes and smash them up which makes her very cross, but it’s for her own good.
I know she won’t listen to me, but the rest of you Peoples should:
People’s evolved to be omnivorous, because they aren’t quite as good hunters as cats, which means what you need is variety in your diet. If you eat too much of one thing or another, you will get very unhealthy and you won’t be able to do things so well.
You need to eat a balanced diet, lots of starchy foods like potatoes and pasta so you get your fibre and lots of vegetables so you can get all your vitamins and minerals, not just 5 a day, it should be 12 a day. Then you need to eat 140g of oily fish and 140g of white fish every week for protein and then 70g of meat a day, on the days you’re not eating fish. Those weird ones who don’t eat meat or fish need to have loads of beans instead. You also all need to eat milk and cheese.
Now cats, if you see your owner eating anything else and it smells or looks fatty or sugary, then you need to make sure your owner gets more exercise. My advice is to get all messy and make them chase you round the house to give you a bath. You need to pick your time though, when Dasha has just eaten loads of junk she can’t run very well and just gives up, so you need to anticipate when they think they might be able to catch you and exercise them exactly then.
If you Peoples need more better information you should look at the British Nutrition Foundation website.
Dasha has written a lot about cats, in fact all you peoples have, you think you know everything. So I think its time that we cats told you a few things about yourselves. We cats do our best to look after you but a lot of advice goes unheeded. First – you work too much, work, work, work. Even on your days off you find excuses to work. You’re all so stressed and that’s bad because it makes you sick, and if you’re sick, then who will get the food? You need to look after yourselves better than you do and you need to chill out, now some of you (those of you who understand what we cats try to show you) are good at relaxing, and some of you, Dasha included, are horrific bad at it.
Despite my best efforts and my cutest and fluffiest attempts to get Dasha to stop doing stupid things, (like washing her car just before she goes out and gets it all dirty all over again an hour later) she still won’t slow down. So it’s time to teach her, and you, how to chill out like a cat. So you can feel better and happier and live for longer.